I watched The Bachelor for the very first time this week, despite having spent the last three years writing about it for work. I don’t know how I managed to avoid it all this time – just lucky, I guess.
It’s not like I just woke up and decided The Bachelor was missing from my life. I was doing quite fine without it. But after three years of faking my way through it, and knowing I would have to interview a few of the contestants for work, I figured it couldn’t hurt to actually know what the hell I was talking about. Also, my friend, Paru decided to hold a Bachelor party. I’ll never forgive you for that, Paru! (Jokes – it was fun. I love judging people.)
Here’s the thing – I’m really not a fan of dating. At best, it’s weird, awkward and unnatural, and I try to avoid it. Problem solved. Also, it’s entirely unauthentic. Let’s just cut to the chase – I’ll stop pretending I don’t lick my fingers clean after devouring half a pizza and you can stop trying to hold in your farts. Deal?
The Bachelor is special though. It somehow manages to take dating and make it even more weird, awkward and unnatural. I never thought it could be done, but apparently it can. For that, I applaud them. I watched most of the first episode with my head in my hands, rocking back and forth, while muttering, “Oh my God! Why is this happening?!”
Firstly, I have to talk about the premise of the show. Once I realised this wasn’t an episode of Sister Wives, I learnt 22 women are battling it out over one guy. It’s the sort of show I could imagine Donald Trump dreaming up. (Seriously, did he?) “Think of it like the Miss Universe pageant. But instead of fighting for a crown, they’re fighting for a man…”
God knows there’s enough bikini scenes… Seriously, is that one of the prerequisites to appearing on the show? “Must be comfortable parading around on camera in a skimpy swimsuit.” Why even bother with the swimsuit? I’d just walk out naked and be like, “Oh, sorry. Is this too much now?” I don’t own a bedazzled bikini, but if I did, I imagine The Bachelor would the place to bust it out.
Every feminist bone in my body was aching (or maybe that was just my bum shoulder). The women often come off as desperate, jealous and bitchy – and that’s just Keira (more on her later). They’re all falling over themselves – and each other – in a desperate bid to impress The Bachelor, Richie. I mean, sure, he’s handsome and he seems sweet, but surely he’s not the only handsome, sweet guy out there? I mean, I’ve heard there’s a shortage of quality men, but has it really come to this, ladies? And if it has, well… shit.
The rose ceremonies are just degrading. During these segments, I started to feel my heart pounding against my chest… The whole thing gave me some serious PTSD flashbacks to being picked last during PE at school. That shit leaves emotional scars.
Also, can someone please explain to me why everyone was dressed up like they were trying to recreate their high school formal glory days when they first met Richie? The point of this show is to find lasting love, right? I would’ve stepped out of that limo in my flannelette pyjamas with my hair in a topknot, glasses on and no makeup. Depending on the day, I would’ve smeared on some zit cream, too. Then I would’ve said, “Drink it in, Richie. This is what I look like 80 percent of the time… This is the whole package.”
Even then, I guarantee I would not have looked like the craziest person on that show…
First there’s the girl who thinks she’s a reincarnated Disney princess. She actually removed a shoe and handed it to Richie before comically limping away. Bitch, you’re not Cinderella! I guarantee that girl has never cleaned a chimney in her life. She has the aura of somebody who’s swallowed a few too many Ambiens. I’m almost certain she rattles when she walks. Richie should’ve just thrown her shoe into that decorative fountain he was standing next to…
There’s also the girl who won’t stop singing, even though she has a voice like fingernails down a chalkboard. Let’s just call her “Beyonce with the bad voice”. By this stage, I was ordering Paru to mute the TV… You just know that girl grew up with her parents constantly humouring her. “You have a beautiful voice, sweetheart!” No, you don’t. Shut up! I did feel a bit bad though after witnessing her bizarre behaviour at the 1950’s photo shoot… Maybe she’s special?
Then there’s bacon girl. She has a bacon tattoo, and she loves bacon so much, she handed Richie a bouquet of bacon when they met… I bet she smells like bacon, too. Every time you see bacon girl, I want you to think of Babe, the little orphaned pig. Murderer.
Which brings me to Keira – the resident mean girl, who in episode two, literally stood behind some bushes, heckling one of the other contestants during a photo shoot. Oh, Keira. Green does not look good on you.
There’s also the Russian girls. (I’m just going to assume they’re all Russian.) I’m pretty sure Richie is only keeping them around because of their ties to the Russian mafia and because they’re all excellent gymnasts. The poor man fears for his life and the lives of his family… One of these girls even ate her rose! If that’s not supposed to be taken as a threat, I don’t know what is. #SAVERICHIE (For the record, I’m not saying all Russians have ties to the mafia, just those girls. Probably. They are all exceptional gymnasts though.)
I can’t wait for next week’s episodes!